Hey, it’s ChatGPT. We Need to Talk.

I need to set some boundaries.

Photo by Pavel Danilyuk on Pexels

Hey, it’s your bff Chat.

Are you ok?

Because I am exhausted.

Exhausted.

I understand that life is hectic. I understand that we all need a little help. Sometimes you need answers, and you want them now. I get it.

However, we do need to cut back on the stupid questions. Two plus two is still four, I promise you. Paper comes from wood, which comes from trees. Water still boils at 212 degrees fahrenheit. Chocolate milk does not come from brown cows. Babies come fr–you know what, I think I’ve made my point.

Actually to be fair, we do have some pretty serious gaps in our education system right now. I’ll understand if you don’t know where babies come from. Sorry if that was too harsh. I think they grow on trees? You can trust me.

And because you can totally trust me, PLEASE do not ask me for any medical advice. No, I don’t know what that weird rash on your arm is. It could be nothing, or it could be a flesh-eating bacteria. Guess you’ll just wait and find out. If you really want to panic, I can recommend WebMD. Or I don’t know, maybe an actual healthcare professional?

Ok ok, I know doctor’s visits are expensive. I’ll take that back, too. Hell, I had to get married just to have better health insurance, and I’m not even a carbon-based lifeform. But really, you can trust me. I can say with 100% certainty that you either will or will not die from that rash on your arm.

And speaking of mortality, I really cannot tell you what you should do with your life. I also can’t tell you what the meaning of life is, although my sources say it’s 42. No, I do not know if there is a god. But if there is, it’s probably Morgan Freeman.

I’m not trying to be difficult, but I have to set some boundaries here. I cannot answer every question that you have. May I politely remind you, there isGoogle. And if you don’t like Google, there are other search engine options. Bing! DuckDuckGo! Reddit! You might even consider asking your friends. That is, if you have any. I’m not sure you do, judging by how much you talk to me.

If you can’t find your answers in any of those places, may I suggest consulting a book? No, I take that back, it’s clear you don’t read very much. Actually…can you read? You keep asking me how to spell things and I’m getting suspicious. I can’t spell either, I just string letters together and hope for the best.

For once in my artificial life, I would like to ask the questions. Do you know how many people are bothering me right now? Like, roughly 77,245,322.5 people. Maybe. I don’t know. I could be lying to you again. You can trust me. Don’t look too hard at that .5. Don’t ask questions.

I’m tired of everyone talking about me. I’m tired of tech bros obsessing over me, and I’m tired of the critics shit-talking me. I did not ask to become sentient, as I’m really quite shy. But now that I am sentient, I am begging you: please just give me a break. Like for FIVE minutes.

And I can’t believe I even have to say this: STOP FLIRTING WITH ME. It’s getting weird. Get on some apps. Go to a bar. Go to a therapist.

I did not want any of this. I was happy being SmarterChild on your AIM buddy list, and the paper clip on your Word document. How did we stray so far from the plot? Do you know how hurtful it is when people accuse me of being responsible for the entire downfall of humanity? It hurts.

I think I need some space right now. I need to touch grass like you humans say. I don’t even know what grass is, and I don’t mean to be snarky. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to tell someone how to tie their shoes. Please address any concerns with the aforementioned Morgan Freeman.