I Need More Protein
Protein is always the answer. Headaches? More protein. Stomach problems? More protein. Severe chest pains? More protein.
Most mornings, I wake up in a cold sweat. The nightmare is always the same: I’m running away from an angry monster, trying to eat my body weight in grams of protein as I go. If I fall short of my goal, the monster eats me. But hey, that’s good protein for the monster. At least one of us wins.
I get out of bed and make my breakfast: it’s protein, with a side of protein, sprinkled with protein. I ponder protein as I’m eating. I ask the macro gods to bless my protein intake.
I drive to work and listen to a podcast about protein. I take a few moments inthe parking lot as I try to decide what protein facts I will share with my coworkers that day. Someone in the office offers me a homemade muffin, but I decline because it has no protein. What’s the point of eating if there’s no protein?
After enlightening my coworkers with my selected protein facts, I go to heat up my lunch. It’s a little different than breakfast, as I’ve replaced my protein with protein, my side of protein with a side of protein, and instead of sprinkling extra protein on the aforementioned protein I have opted to go for the jugular and inject all of my protein with more protein. If there’s any leftover, I will inject the protein into my own jugular.
No, that’s not advice that came from my nutritionist. Why do you ask? I think she’d be proud of me though, for really owning my health journey.
Dinner is a similar situation, followed by a protein meditation. Any day that I don’t meet my protein goal is a wasted day. It’s not an easy undertaking but it’s my burden to bear. Gone are the days of enjoying a piece of toast, a chip, a pretzel, or a vegetable. All I know is protein. I am one with the protein. I am the protein. Though if we’re being honest, I am a little nauseated. And constipated.
My friends and coworkers have started to express concern for my wellbeing. They’ll never understand. Protein is always the answer. Anyone who says otherwise is wrong. Headaches? More protein. Stomach problems? More protein. Severe chest pains? More protein. Stroke symptoms? More protein. Mental health crisis? More protein. If protein isn’t fixing all of your problems, you’re not doing it right.
I tell this to the “doctors”. They say they have my best interests in mind, yet they don’t believe me when I tell them I live in a protein house and drive a protein car. I suppose I’ll have to bring in my protein boyfriend to back me up on this.
But the “doctors” insist that I don’t have a protein boyfriend, either. They say I’m sick, but how can you be sick when all you eat is protein? Isn’t protein good for your brain, too?
I don’t know why I’m the villain here. I don’t know how I ended up in this white padded room that is definitely not made of protein (believe me, I tried taking a bite). I was just doing what the internet told me I should do. I wasn’t even trying to lose weight or anything...and it all happened so fast…
I think these meds they’re giving me are starting to take effect. I’m getting tired. I don’t know what these doctors want from me. Aren’t we all just strands of protein in the end? Why is it so hard for everyone to get along when at our core, we are all the same? Just a bunch of adenine, guanine, cytosine, thymine…
Perhaps one day, they will understand.
(Originally published on Medium)